CALORIES THAT DON'T COUNT
 
 The prestigious Southern California Association of Medicine (SCAM)
 Has released the following report which documents the fact that the
 following foods and situations have no calories to speak of.
 You may consume all you wish with a clear conscience!
 
1. FOOD ON FOOT -
 All food eaten while standing has no calories.
 Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity.
 The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down
 the legs, and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity.
 Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar or
 hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has calorie deficit.
 
2. TV FOOD -
 Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories.
 This may have something to do with radiation leakage,
 which negates the calories in food, plus all recollection
 of having eaten it.
 
3. UNEVEN EDGES -
 Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices.
 If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to
 "straighten up the edges" by slicing away offending irregularities,
 which have no calories when eaten.
 
4. BALANCED FOOD -
 If you drink a 12 ounce diet soda with a candy bar,
 they cancel each other out.
 
5. LEFT-HANDED FOOD -
 If you have a drink in your right hand,
 anything eaten with the left hand has no calories.
 Several principles are at work here.
 First of all, you're probably standing up at a party
 (see "Food on Foot", above)
 Then, there's the electronic field:
 a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse
 the polarities of the calories attracted to the other hand.
 It's not quite known how it works, but the reverse is true
 if you're left-handed.
 
6. FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES -
 Food used for medicinal purposes never counts.
 For example: M & M's, hot chocolate, or Sara Lee Cheesecake.
 
7. WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, and BUTTER -
 These all act as a poultice that actually "draws out"
 the calories when placed on any food, leaving them calorie free.
 Afterwards, you can eat the poultice, too, since all the calories
 have been neutralized by it.
 
8. CHILDREN'S FOOD -
 Anything produced, purchased, or intended for minors is
 calorie free when eaten by adults.
 This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful
 of baby food custard, consumed for demonstration purposes,
 up to Oreo cookies and including Toll House cookies baked
 to mail to your college student.
 
9. FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS -
 Sausage, cocktail franks, and crackers are all fattening unless
 impaled on frilly toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object
 allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
 
10. CHARITABLE FOODS -
 Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and
 church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.
 
11. CUSTOM MADE TREATS -
 Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten, regardless of
 the calories, because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.
 Your kind intentions will not go unrecognized, except by the calories

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