Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away... and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My idea of housework... is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture... you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail... at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts... when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake... when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door... is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.